I aptly entitled this blog, "The Case of the Missing Brain," because it basically fits what I've been going through lately! My ability to remember anything seemed to disappear as soon as I became nine months pregnant! And it's not only remembering things that I'm having trouble with (you know, the sort of...."I just walked into this room to get something, but now I can't remember what it is" kind of thing), but I'm also just plain, outright spacey! Now, I know some of you are just sitting there thinking to yourselves, "Rachel - you've always been a little spacey." Ok, point well taken. I am not exactly always overflowing in the common sense department, but things around here these days are just getting ridiculous! So, in the interest of this "case study," let me present some circumstantial evidence:
- Two nights ago, Brent and I had just gotten into bed and were trying to fall asleep when I suddenly remarked: "Gosh, it would be nice if we had a ceiling fan in here. I am so hot!" Well, needless to say Brent started laughing, looked at me, and said: "Honey, we have a ceiling fan. Look up." Totally forgot that I had a ceiling fan in my room! Now...how does that happen!?
- The other evening, things were winding down for the day, and I asked Brent if he would mind refilling my water bottle (or Nalgene as I call it). It had water in it, so Brent asked why I needed it refilled. I told him that I'd filled it up when I was at the pool earlier and it just didn't taste right! Again, Brent starts cackling and looking at me sideways. Then he remarks: "Honey, no wonder it doesn't taste good if you filled it up with pool water!" Ok, in my defense: I didn't fill it up with pool water. I filled it at the water fountain at the pool! However, I seem to have lost the ability to express myself clearly, so Brent just assumed that I had, indeed, been drinking pool water for several hours.
These are just two examples of what I've been going through. Ok, so I realize this is a little bit comical. It's just really hard to remember to do things! I know what you're thinking: make a to-do list, right? Well, the problem is that I make the to-do list, but then I lose it! Haha. Great, I know. I guess this is just how it's going to be from now on. Lots of moms, new and experienced, have told me that your brain subsequently disappears more and more after each child. So I'll be very interested to see how I'm doing by number three!
On a separate note, I went to perinatology (or paleontology, as I sometimes accidentally call it!), which is the specialist we've had to go to to do some growth scans for Anne-Kelly every three weeks. As I said in my earlier post, I had to quit working around 31 weeks. Long story short: I was measuring small, and they sent me to the specialist to make sure Annie was growing ok. The way they measure a baby for growth is by looking at the baby's head, abdomen, and femur (leg) length, and then averaging them. Annie looked normal in every other way, but her little abdomen seemed tiny. So, they said it could be caused by a number of things: 1. I could be getting preeclamptic/toxemia, 2. My placenta could be lagging a bit and not delivering nutrition completely normally, or 3. She could just be a small person! So, we went back after three more weeks (34 weeks), and everything looked good. Her abdomen was still small, but that was when they said it's definitely not preeclampsia, and if my placenta is lagging, it's not enough for her to really suffer. The only way it's affecting her is the fact that she's not quite gaining belly fat. They explained that when a baby's nutrition is a little compromised, that's the way that they "take care of themselves." They're fine without belly fat, so they conserve all the blood flow for their brains, kidneys, etc. And the good news it that I went back this morning at 37 weeks, and they told me I don't have to come back and see them anymore! Wahoo! They said that even though her belly is still little, she seems absolutely normal in every other way, so they're going to leave us alone! This is an answered prayer and a huge blessing. Please just pray that Annie-K continues to grow, and that once she's out here in the world that she'll really start packing on the pounds once I can start nursing her. Also, they think she's about 5 pounds 8 ounces right now, which is great :) If she stays in until 40 weeks (due date), they said she'll probably be somewhere between six and seven pounds.
All this excitement in the past few weeks surrounding Anne-Kelly has taught me a lot. I initially went into the situation with a "woe is me" mentality, worrying about every possibility, and basically trying to take care of things myself. I'm a "fixer" and a "doer" as I'm sure most of you know, and when something is out of my control, I'm usually not a big fan of it. This experience has been a wake-up-call from the Lord, saying, "Rachel: I know you better than you know yourself. I know what is best for you. Trust me." I've heard this over and over and over in my head for many weeks now, and it took a while before I accepted it. However, I have realized that fighting God and accepting His plan are two totally different things. By fighting His will, I felt like Jonah and the whale. I just kept getting swallowed up, overwhelmed, and enveloped in my own self-absorbed darkness. When I realized that by "casting my cares on the Lord" (1 Peter 5:7), I was really letting go of them myself, I felt an amazing burden lift. Instead of being in the belly of my own proverbial whale, I then found myself in a different Biblical tale: walking on the water with Christ. I know this is a familiar story to most of us, but I felt just like Peter when Jesus asked him to get out of the boat and step on to the waves. That water sure did look deep, but when I looked away from the water and into the face of Christ, I forgot all about my worries. And I can't tell you what a freeing experience it is to know that Jesus has all of my life in his more-than-capable hands. And more than that, to know that he has Anne-Kelly's life in his hands as well is pretty humbling.
As parents, and I use the term sparingly because I realize I'm not quite there yet and really have no wisdom on the subject, it seems like we always assume that we know what is best for our children. Amazing how these feeling cropped up for me even at this early stage. But how liberating it is to know that God not only knows me, but he knows Anne-Kelly and He sees every day of the life He has set before her. Wow! So I leave you with these words by David from the book of Psalm. I hope you read them, take them to heart, and stand in wonder at God Almighty who knows us all better than we know ourselves.
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongues,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
the darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's
womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in
secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the
earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of
them,
the days that were formed for
me,
when as yet there was none of
them.
- Psalm 139:1-16