Acceptance

As a new mom, I've felt tempted many times to give in and give up when I seem to be faced with what feels like insurmountable obstacles. Launder, scrub, change the baby, feed the baby, repeat. In these superficially mundane tasks it is easy to feel disconnected from God and his almighty ways. This week, I have begun reading the Psalms, and I have been so refreshed by them. I'm only to the fourth Psalm, but I'm already so renewed. It is said that David was a man after God's own heart, but I can't help but think that I am a woman after David's heart! What I mean is that David was so honest about his emotions. So raw about his pain. So open about his conflicting thoughts and deepest hurts and most glorious triumphs. It's all there in the book of Psalms. It makes me feel so connected to David to see my own emotions reflected right there on the page. Anyway, through my readings this week I've realized that God not only sees my mundane chores, He is just as much glorified through them as he is through Pastor Randy's preaching on Sunday mornings!

For me, it was getting past the gratification part. When you think about it, and Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz, a favorite book of mine) once put it this way, the root of all sin is really our own selfishness. Human beings are basically only out for numero uno. Ever notice how we never really do anything unless we get something out of it? Want to donate to a charity? You'll get a tax write-off. Want to send money to orphans in Africa? We'll send you a free gift. And that's what I mean when I say it was all about me getting past the gratification part of work. I felt like I always needed a pat on the back when I did something, like if someone doesn't see it, then what's the point?? I see where you might think this is pretty immature and selfish of me and it is. However, I also believe that this is something that every human heart can identify with whether you want to admit it or not. This is real, ugly, sinful-heart stuff. So anyway, my amazing spiritual leader of a husband also told me this week to start praying that, as the verse says, all the work I do would be as if I were working for the Lord. I have read that verse many times, but it never really sunk in until I became a mom.

Being a mom is a selfless task, and one that I don't know if I'll ever master. By nature, I can be very selfish. I think this probably comes from having one of the most unselfish, self-sacrificing moms around. Not that she made me selfish. I just never had to learn to be unselfish. Mom always said I should have had more younger siblings and that they would have taught me to be more unselfish and giving. If my parents are guilty of anything, it's probably loving and giving too much to my brother and myself. I learned a lot about self-sacrificial love because of them. A cool thing that God has most of us mom's immediately hot-wired for, however, is sacrificing for our kids. And I'm relatively sure my husband would say dads are much the same way. As a mom I still have to fight some selfish tendencies, but the Lord definitely gives you a natural, in-born drive to sacrifice for your kids.

Which leads me to my main point. Or my second point. Or my third rambling. Whatever you want to call it: Staring down at this unbelievable little person lying in her crib makes me want to be a better person. And not just a neat-freak, fix-dinner-every-night-while-wearing-heels, Martha Stuart-ish type of perfectionist mom (which I'm tempted every day to reach for and never attain), but a real person. A person with flaws but who loves Jesus with her whole heart and who shows her daughter the way without telling her. A woman who sings her heart out for the Lord and lives by his Word and serves others. A mom who pours her whole heart, mind, and strength out for her family because she knows that it's the Lord's plan for her to serve her husband and raise her children even though that's not exactly part of her college degree.

So please pray for me that I'll be obedient to the Lord in all these things and find daily contentment in my anointed tasks as a mom. I think that's the only path to fulfillment in life. I encourage you to pray and seek what work the Lord has for you to do to serve him. It may not be glamorous, but I promise you it's beautiful in His eyes. It's only in acceptance of what God's will is for our lives right now that we find true peace. I'll end this post with an apropos poem by Amy Carmichael, a woman-missionary who spent her life pouring out herself for the Lord.

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices mourning deep within me, cease.
'But vain the word; vain, vain;
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, 'I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease.
'But vain the word; vain, vain;
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said 'I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.
'But vain the word; vain, vain;
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, 'I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain,
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?
'But vain the word; vain, vain;
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, 'I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.
'Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace.

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Oh, and on a separate note: we went for a nurse-visit to get the Prevnar vaccine today. It's the one that helps prevent infections such as meningitis. Anne-Kelly did great. Cried a little, but forgot all about it as soon as I gave her her milk! She was such a champ. And she weighs fourteen pounds now! She's almost tripled in weight since she was born. I can't believe it. God is SO good. :) Many thanks for all the prayers.

mmmm....honesty

I won't say, "It's been a while" like I normally do when I begin my blogs. Even though, yes, since Anne-Kelly has been here it always does seem to be a long while between my blogs. Anyway, it's a busy life, and I do the best I can. That's all we're doing, right?

It is with that question in mind that I write tonight. I just received an email from my mother-in-law, Sandy, expressing her feelings about going through the loss of her beloved husband, Gary. It's been a hard few months since his death, and it's gotten even harder. For those of you all who don't know, we lost Gary's only brother, Dale, to a similar brain tumor on October 8, exactly six months to the day since my father-in-law's death. As if the brain tumor diagnoses weren't strange enough, huh?

Anyway, as you can probably guess, this has put no small strain on the McDaris family and those who love them (there are a lot of you out there: thank you!) Getting through the death of one loved one is hard enough, but dealing with two is nearly impossible, it seems. And after I say the word impossible, that verse about nothing being impossible with God pops into my head. But let's be honest. I know that some might consider what I'm about to say blasphemy, but it's the truth, at least for me. Bible verses like that do provide comfort, don't get me wrong. But in the here and now, things do seem pretty impossible sometimes, at least for people like my mother-in-law and our aunt Whitney (Dale's wife) and the parents of both Gary and Dale. And if I were them (which I'm not and can't officially speak for them), I would feel pretty defeated.

So I guess I say all that to say: I'm proud of my mother-in-law and the fact that she is so honest about her struggles. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that you're not a superhero in your grieving process. No one is, but just like anything else in life, people like to pretend when they're going through something that they're coping really well. However, it's only through admitting our struggles that we are able to really comfort one another. The brutality of being completely honest is so empowering. For example, Sandy helps Whitney because she is so open. She doesn't just quote a bible verse at her and tell her that that should get her through. She tells her that she gets upset and cries in department stores and over ticket stubs. This is all incredibly normal stuff, but a lot of people that are going through it don't realize that it's normal because everyone is afraid to admit it. This also applies to me as a new mom. If other moms who have been new moms didn't admit to me that they too didn't have perfectly clean houses with laundry always done, I would never know that I wasn't a total mess. Sometimes I feel like a total mess, but I know that I'm really not, thanks to friends like Sheena Abrams and Mary Kury and Angie Gibson. And I hope that I can be that sort of comfort to my friends who are about to become parents. People need people. Honestly. God didn't put us all here to not be there for each other. My friends Kristy and Chelsea and Anna are really good at that. So is Alyson Nelson. And more than anybody, my friend Ameroy seems to have this weird sixth sense sort of knack to know when to send me a card. Usually they come on days when I'm feeling completely defeated and I just cry when I open them at the mailbox. Sometimes I feel terrible because I don't send that many cards, but it's just not my thing like it is Ameroy's. And she gets that, and this is why she and I work so well as friends.

So I guess I end this rambling blog by saying that I really appreciate all my good girlfriends that make me feel a little less insane every day. I could not make it without you girls. And I know that you ladies will be the ones who will hold me up should I ever go through something as excruciating as losing a spouse. And please know that I'm here to hold you up as well. So don't be afraid to ask.

And now I leave you with an adorable photo of my darling daughter dressed as a horse on Halloween, sitting next to her cute buddy Cameron....